Gay Club Jet Lag

New York’s hottest club is the deli on a Sunday morning because none of us here have a brunch reservation. In theory, I could brunch if I wanted to. Many joints take walk-ins but it’s the principle of the thing. In this diverse crowd, we all have different reasons for swapping Sunday brunch with a deli run. The woman in front of me isn’t going to brunch because she has two horrid children with her. A few laborers are here picking up breakfast before they go off to build things. An old man ordered bacon on a roll, no cheese, no eggs, no condiments, no nothing. He’s here for the bare necessities. As for me, brunch isn’t on my calendar and I just want something to eat because yes, I’m hungover again.

Someone who is going to brunch however is my man who’s not my man. He’s headed to Bubby’s and I’m jealous. The pictures of the food look so good. I ought to drag my ass out to Tribeca and see if the food lives up to the hype. I can make a reservation whenever I want, but it’s fun to treat brunch like an event. The best way to enjoy this meal is by getting dolled up, wearing something cute, and going with friends doing the same. And if I’m trying a new restaurant I’d like to at least not be hungover. Approaching brunch this way gives you something to look forward to and it helps you forget that you’re dropping $40 on eggs and toast. For me, the advent of a Sunday brunch requires some kind of commitment.

Speaking of commitment… I’ve been on two real dates with Randy (not his name) and spent the night at his place for the first time two weeks ago. On my way home from my friend Jack’s birthday, he invited me over after I dropped several hints that I wanted him to invite me over.

We didn’t sleep together that night, and a new dating rule that should be common sense dawned on me.

22. You’re allowed to withhold sex as long as you want, and for any reason you so choose. Which works for me, because I’m a virgin.

(for my other 21 rules of dating, check out the full list here.)

After the drinks portion of our first two dates, he invited me to “Come over.” I charmingly replied with a question: “And do what?” His response was “Hang out.” With a sweet smile, I replied with a question once more: “And do what?” Embarrassed, he tossed his proposal out the window and walked me home. For someone who seems to want it that bad, he’s been an absolute gentleman.

This does, however, bring up a question I’ve long asked myself but never quite cracked. What’s the difference between a “hang” and a date? There’s a line between the two that starts blurring after you’ve been seeing someone for a while where qualifying the time spent with your partner as a “date” doesn’t matter anymore. There’s also a grey area of only having been on two real dates and then being explicitly asked to “hang out.” Not to go on a date, not drinks, coffee, lunch, etc… “hang out.” This phrase is rarely seen without her twin sister, “Come over.”

Back in January, as a prelude to a two-week engagement, I received the deadly combo from Eric.

When a man asks you to “come over” or “hang out,” or straight to the point “come over and hang out,” we all know what that means. I won’t say it because I’m a lady, but one cannot accept that offer and not expect a man to make moves. It’s funny though. Even though most people understand the implied meaning of an invitation to “hang out,” these men will never admit to what they’re after. Once in a blue moon, you might meet a man with more confidence than he should have who will cop to it, but for the most part, they don’t put it into words. They just hope you understand what they’re asking for, and if you’ve had any romantic or sexual experience, you will.

With Eric, this was the first time I felt the need to ask my new favorite question. Upon receiving his message, I knew what he meant. He knew what he meant. I knew that he knew, and he knew that I knew. And yet, something about men asking this has always rubbed me the wrong way. I decided to pose my question, not because I wanted him to propose an activities list, but because I wanted to see if he’d own up to the fact that he was just looking for some pum-pum.

Since then, I’ve made a distinct effort to volley back any offers to “come over” or “hang out” with: “And do what?” It’s a subtle way of putting up a boundary and distinguishing between the men looking to date me and the men looking to screw me. I think part of the reason nothing salacious happened the other night with Randy is because I made it clear I’m not usually a “hang out” kind of girl. So I suppose we’re two dates and two non-‘hang out’-hangs into this.

Over the years, I’ve seen a steady decline in etiquette from the general population of New York bachelors. The devolution of the un-ambiguously ambiguous “hang out” has been marked by the fact that men don’t have an answer to my golden question. What once used to be known as “Netflix and Chill” has been reduced to “come over and hang out.” In both scenarios, we know what we’re getting into when we agree to come over, but now there’s no promise of a movie. A good cuddle before or after isn’t written into the social contract of spending time with each other. “Come over and hang out” is the coward’s way of asking for a quickie. Men, why are we speaking in code?

Bringing this back under the lens of dating, I ask a new question. If he can’t own up to what he wants from you when you come over, how do you expect him to be honest about what he wants out of the relationship? Take Randy, for example. Yes, we’re still getting to know each other, and as per my new dating philosophy, I simply must be more open to going with the flow, but I’m crazy. I wonder if those dates didn’t come about out of genuine interest, but rather as a means to an end.

There’s no need to define our relationship after two dates and two non-‘hang out’-hangs, but as my dear friend Liz Lemon would say, sex always complicates things. People have different perspectives about it, and more importantly, place different levels of value on it. I have one friend, who, without exaggeration, has sex at least once a day. I have other friends who are celibate, some by choice, some not. As for me… well I’ve never done that before. But even the idea of sex, the potential that we might “hang out” can put a strain on a budding relationship.

If you’re taking me out, getting to know me, and asking questions about my family and my high school knee surgery, I would consider us to be dating. And if we’re dating, do you hold a date and a “hang out” in the same regard? That’s not to say that he should, but if he asks you to “come over” for a little slanging like it’s NBD, be wary. If he doesn’t see the time he spends with you on a date as equally as valuable as the time he spends sleeping with you, what’s the source of this dissonance? When a good date ends with you “coming over” is he going to act differently because he’s getting what he wants? More importantly, he’s getting something he wants that he didn’t explicitly ask for. Why do men think you owe them sex just because you agree to spend time with them?

It’s interesting that the assumption of sexual activity has become an unconscious facet of dating. Maybe not everyone thinks this way, and I just need to start dating better men, but it feels like this should be common sense. After all, if you don’t ask for something, why do you think you’re going to get it? And yet, when I ask my favorite question, men squirm and can’t proffer a proper answer.

When you meet on a dating app, there’s no way to know what each person is generally looking for without putting it into words. Since this topic usually doesn’t come up until a few dates or “hang outs” in, most people tend to assume that everyone else is looking for the same as them. The only way to work through this disconnect is by talking about it, and men are famously terrible at and avoidant towards communication. “Hang out” is a man’s way of securing all the perks of a relationship without any of the commitment- the kind of commitment that comes from honest communication.

In their mind, “hang out” provides you (and perhaps even them) the illusion that a relationship outside of the bedroom might come from this. “Hang out” provides the illusion of a date without any of the effort. This is their way of putting you in relationship purgatory when they already know what the verdict will be on judgment day. These men are afraid of being rejected as consistent sex partners, so they try to keep all their options open and delay the conversation as long as possible. This just hurts them in the long run, because they might not even be dealing with someone who needs the promise of romance to have a recurring woo-hoo.

You don’t have to date someone to have sex with them. Most people don’t. So why do a song and dance to scratch that itch? Are they embarrassed or ashamed? If you ask me to “hang out” and can’t express your expectations, I have to wonder if you’re a different person when you “hang out” versus when you’re on a date with me. Was that $20 cocktail just a means to an end? Well, that’s funny. Since I never agreed to anything, I’m going to savor my beverage, bat my eyes when they deliver the check, and go to bed. Alone.

Even I’ve had my moments where I break from dating for some no-strings-attached [REDACTED]. Tinashe said it best, “I’m not easy, but I’m fiending… I’m just human, we’ve all got needs.” There’s no right way to fulfill your needs. Sex is a beautiful thing. Or so I’ve heard. But, access to my body is a privilege. So if you’re on a date with me and feel comfortable enough to ask me for it, either outright or through the culturally understood invitation to “come over,” it’s going to make me start wondering how you view our relationship. Was our date so satisfying that you want the magic to continue, or was it just emotional labor you assume is required to lay with me?

Let’s take a lesson from Nicole Kidman who, though unfortunately acts in this scene with T*m Cr*ise, shamelessly comes clean about what she wants from her husband. I don’t particularly like this movie and if you couldn’t tell, I hate Tommy, but Nicole Kidman is Mommy. And we could all stand to be a little more like Nicole Kidman.

Ultimately, dating and partnership are about communication. It’s a tale as old as time- honesty is the best policy. Ask, and you probably shall not receive (at least not from me), but you will get points for directness. If we’re dating, I want you to pursue me. Not my pum-pum. That can come later. You’re not going to pull fast one over me by asking to “hang out.” Even if you are my boyfriend, I’m still gonna ask every time: “And do what?”

And finally, no matter if we’re dating, boyfriends, just having a little woo-hoo, or 40 years married, never ask me for a blowjob.