Gay Club Jet Lag

Why is it called Fashion Week if it only lasts five days? To be honest, I don’t really care. I don’t know how to dress and sometimes the fashion girls wear outfits I find beyond heinous, so it’s obviously not my scene. Enough so, that my man who’s not my man went to an afterparty on Tuesday and didn’t think to invite me. I’m two weeks into the game and these men are already pissing me off. Note to self: if he doesn’t take you to a fashion week afterparty, dump him. 

As I’m getting ready for my first proper Gay Guy Friday in some time, I have all these deal breakers in mind. More and more, I think it would be wise to put my dating rules into words. After all, a way to help me know what I’m looking for is to know what I’m not looking for too, no?

But since I want to manifest love and positivity in my life, I suppose I’ll begin with a few things I do want. I’ll describe my dream man, name the things I’m willing to settle on, and then lay out my 21 rules for dating. While these rules are specific to me, I think everyone could take notes and apply what’s useful (which I’m certain will be most, if not all.).

So to begin- what am I looking for in a partner? I feel like the most malleable things I’m looking for are on the physical side. Yes, I’d love for my husband to be exactly as I’ve pictured him:

• 6’7
• Built like a firefighter
• Brown hair
• Mustache

But since I can’t assemble him as I would my boyfriend in the Sims, here’s what I’ll concede on:

• I’d love for him to be taller than me, but I know that’s not a guarantee. However, I’ve given the “short kings” a chance and they are JUST AS BAD AS THE TALL ONES. So if you’re going to disappoint me, at least measure in above 5 ’11. (I will still probably end up dating short guys before anyone crucifies me)
• I hate going to the gym, so why should I expect anyone else to? As long as you can pick me up and carry me on our wedding day, we’ll be fine.
• Hair… we’ll talk about this in a second.
• Luckily, I live in Bushwick now so this isn’t too hard to find. Let’s keep it up.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we should all know that physical attraction isn’t enough to sustain a connection. I’ve dated some real uggos and/or short men because we at least had things to talk about. And that brings me to my rules for dating. They are as follows:

1. I am not exchanging Instagram with you. 

I have to start with this one because men think it’s acceptable to communicate with you via dm. Is this 2011? Is this a rejected treatment for a Drake video? Instagram is the only social media I have left, given that I fully deleted my Twitter and Snapchat accounts. (Which sidebar, if you ask me for my Snapchat, I’m immediately blocking you.) I don’t know you like that. I’m not going to follow you. Besides, if you follow me on Instagram, how can I write about you for my blog? 

2. Part two of this rule: If you don’t give me your phone number, we’re not humping.

You will not receive any physical action greater than a hug- no hand holding, no kissing, no sliding of my hand on your leg, or me feeling your muscles (well, I might still do that, if you’re built properly). I will not touch you and more importantly, You Will Not Touch Me if we’re still chatting on a dating app. Because we shan’t be talking on Instagram. How serious are you about getting to know me if you can’t give me your digits? 

3. Have a life outside the internet.

If you make more than two references to TikTok during our date, chances are I will not be seeing you again. Are you capable of producing an original thought, or just regurgitating something you saw on your phone? This also leads to another reason why I don’t like swapping Instagram. Is your online presence such a priority that it’s one of the first things you need to share with me? My point is mainly this- do you have a life outside of your electronic device? And more importantly, outside of other people’s perception of you?

4. Don’t touch your phone, especially on the first date. 

I’m giving up my Tuesday night when I could be in bed, freshly showered, in my PJs, watching old seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I’m sharing my time with you, and you’re doing the same. If you’re not feeling it and would rather be on your phone, girl that’s fine. It’s a first date. All you have to do is chug your drink and say “Well, it was nice to meet you, I’m going home.”

5. Have a brain.

Have an opinion about things. Have interests. We don’t need to have the same ones. It might even help us if we don’t. We just need to be able to talk about it. You need to engage with what I have to say because I’ll do the same for you. I appreciate intellect. I’ll learn a lot more about you if you tell me your favorite movie and explain why. Why didn’t you enjoy this movie I liked? What do you read? Even if it’s The Magic Tree House, I’d love to hear about the last installment you read. Annie Smith is mother. You know what they say, couples that read together b… well I’ll let you finish the rest, I don’t think I can publish that.

Basically, can you sustain a good conversation? Can you engage with me beyond your attempts to get into my pants? Are you genuinely interested in learning more about me? Men love to talk about themselves for an hour-and-a-half and then text you saying “I had a wonderful time :)”  Like ok… I didn’t, bye. 

6. Flattery will get you nowhere. 

I know I’m smart. I know I’m pretty. My blog and my Instagram are titled eduardoisbeautiful for god’s sake. Saying nice things isn’t enough to earn my maidenhood. And I hope you’re not that easy either. I don’t want to carry the conversation because instead of volleying questions back, all you want to talk about is how handsome I am. Girl, I know. Are you interested in Me, the Person? Or a picture of me? 

7. Taylor Swift in the Spotify Wrapped? Proceed with caution. 

Don’t get me wrong- I like Taylor Swift! I do. She was in my Spotify Wrapped some time ago. But if you’re going to tell me that Midnights and Tortured Poets are her best work or say that the Taylor’s Versions come close to the quality of the original records, I will not trust your opinion on anything. Taste is important. It’s one thing to stream TV because you love your mother and another to do it because you think it’s genuinely better… We will need to talk about this.

8. Beyoncé, and my other divas.

As mentioned, while I have reservations about Taylor Swift, I’ll let you plead your case if she’s your girl. If you don’t like Beyoncé, however, I have to assume your brain houses several parasites. It’s funny how most people who don’t like her have never listened to one of her albums front to back. Someone who doesn’t like Beyoncé has an Evil Spirit.

Additionally, if you say something nasty about Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, or my mom, I’m leaving. More likely than not, the music of these women will narrate my wedding, and I plan on dancing with my mother to their songs. Hopefully, the other three ladies will attend as invited guests. I’m not saying you have to be a superfan when we meet. We’ll work on it. And I’ll be damned before I end up with a man who only reduces Mariah Carey to Christmas. Respect her pen!

9. Blonde hair and blue eyes are unnatural- unless he has a bank account. 

Self explanatory. (Apologies to three out of three partners of three out of four of my siblings in relationships)

10. I am not putting my card down until we’ve gone to a third location. 

And if you have any sense, you won’t let me pay then anyway. 

11. We’re not humping until after the third date, at the earliest. 

If we can’t spend time together without you thinking you’re gonna get some pum-pum, I have to ask- how do you approach dating? Are you looking for a romantic partner or a sex partner? If it’s the latter, there’s no shame in admitting it. Just be honest with yourself, and be honest with me. And if you’re only on Hinge and specifically looking to hump, girl. There is literally an app designed for you. Several, in fact.

The best method to find out his intentions is through restraint. Sometimes you meet a guy you click with and it’s hard not to act on it. Yes, getting drunk with someone is a powerful lubricant for some hooking, but just because it would be easy and there’s a chance it would feel good doesn’t mean it’s worth it. Because if this really is something, then I’ll be all the more grateful I waited. 

12. Within the first three dates, identify one thing you can dump him for. 

Sometimes, it takes a few dates to realize you’re just not feeling it, and that’s okay. Unfortunately, this is a really crummy thing to say, and an even more devastating thing to hear. You don’t owe anyone an elaborate explanation for cutting things off after two dates, but getting to three is a turning point. So before then, identify any habit, belief, or aspect of his life that you could reasonably say you can’t be around. This must also be something you acknowledge he doesn’t necessarily need to change. For example: “I can’t date a smoker, I’m sorry. We just started seeing each other so I don’t want to ask you to change for me. This just isn’t going to work.” Boom. It’s good to have an exit plan in your back pocket in case you can’t find a legitimate reason to stop seeing him other than wanting to. 

13. Don’t get ghosted more than twice.

You sent him a message a few days ago to set up another date, but it’s been radio silence. You both had a good time, the evidence is in your texts. Either you reach out or he follows up saying “He forgot to respond,” and that he’s the “worst texter.” Whatever, it happens to the best of us. If he “forgets” again, it’s best to move on. If he wanted to go out with you, he would have made a plan the last time he messaged. In general- if he’s texting you back but your conversation doesn’t materialize in concrete plans, this connection probably isn’t leaving iMessage.

14. You cannot play the long game with a 30+ man unless you know with absolute certainty that he’s playing the long game with you.

Men in their 30s are fun. But if they’re not actively trying to date you, they’re lost souls who are at the very least, probably just trying to end up with someone else who is 30. If you’re genuinely into him, find out if he’s dragging it out because he can’t handle commitment or he’s just slow to trust. Honestly, this could be applied to men in their 20s too, but I have a bit more grace with this crowd. If a man is single in his 20s, well, that’s normal. If a man is perpetually single in his 30s, find out why. It might not be for a bad reason, but it’s still a sign that something’s afoot.

15. If he’s named after a saint, RUN.

Sorry if you’re religious and this offends you, but you know I’m right. A man named for a saint has a level of self-righteousness that’s been ingrained in him since birth, whether he realizes it or not. 

16. If he plays dumb, red flag. That’s my job!

This is a man who doesn’t know how to stay in line.

17. I have to be able to list three or more things I like about you to accept a date. 

No longer will I say yes just because you asked. As I’ve previously disclosed, I’ve gone out with men who didn’t interest me in the slightest because I wanted to feel something. Well, I’ll tell you, the only thing I ever felt in those situations was bored. What would it look like to actively pursue men with traits that interest me instead of hoping they’ll pursue me? Sounds like common sense, but this is a matter of self-esteem that I embarrassingly have had to work on.

18. If I go home and open another dating app, that’s not a good sign.

Let’s say we got drinks and chatted for an hour or two. The night was agreeable and largely inoffensive. Then, when I get home, I immediately start sending likes and chatting on Hinge again. If this is the case, I have to be honest with myself that tonight wasn’t what I was looking for, and I probably don’t need to schedule another date. 

19. When I’m done, I have to be done. 

No more living in the what if… What if I end up liking him after another date? What if I hurt his feelings? What if I just give him one more chance? Nu-uh. If I’m not having a good time, either in the relationship or on the date, check, please! And I’ll slide it his way and go home. Remember one of my quotes for a better life, kids… one reluctant yes can ruin your life.

20. It’s not that deep.

This goes for both of us. Not to say you should be aloof or rude, but rather to not be so precious about every moment you spend together. Developing feelings is sweet. But also, why should I trip about someone I’ve known only over text, or for one hour, one day, one week, or even one month? Do we have kids together? Did we put down a deposit on a house? Have you met my parents? Have I even mentioned you to them? No. Your romantic affairs are only as serious as you want them to be. This operates on two levels. First, don’t overthink things. Easier said than done, but stressing about something you said or did isn’t going to change the fact that you did it. Second, don’t stress about something they said or did. It’s always best to take the other person at face value. You know what they say about assuming. Don’t fucking do it.

21. And lastly, as corny as it sounds, always stay true to you.

I’m not going to go out of my way to please you or make you believe XYZ. I am who I am. If we start a relationship, that’s who you’re dealing with. Might as well act like myself from the jump. I’m not saying you have to think I’m perfect and be obsessed with me (although that would be lit), but I’m not going to change myself for you. And just as important, I hope you don’t change yourself for me. Relationships are built on compromise, but there’s a difference between changing each other and teaching each other. Teach me who you are, and I’ll teach you who I am. Only then can we see if we’re fit to be in a relationship.

Damn, I give good advice! Now let’s see if I take it from myself. Do you have any dating rules you think I should know? Feel free to drop a message in the Hey, Bitch! Section of my page. Anyway, I’ll be back with more wisdom and truth bombs soon enough. Kisses. x