Gay Club Jet Lag

It’s the last Gay Guy Friday of Pride Month, and I am just sick of it everyone. Sick of what you may ask? Being poor. I’ve been unemployed for two months and finally got paid for the first time yesterday. Since the end of April, I’ve lived strictly off chopped walnuts and leafy greens, like a squirrel. As refreshing as it was to see the numbers in my bank account go up, the thrill was immediately squashed when I had to pay off my credit card. Not to mention, as I’m writing this, Beyoncé just announced new merch! What the hell am I supposed to do? Clearly, not enough people have been reading my blogs because instead of prices going down as I’ve suggested, everything keeps getting more expensive.

So, I’ve decided it’s time. I’ve had it! I am beautiful, I do not dream of labor. But I deserve to be filthy rich. So how am I supposed to get there? My life is a financial shitstorm, but it’s not my responsibility to fix it. So, the obvious answer is that someone else has to pay for my life. How, you may ask? Well, as Britney Spears once bravely said, I’m not ashamed of my beauty. Like Britney, I Got a Plan.

Welcome to my Sugar Baby Application. Interested parties may apply by subscribing to this blog and sending me a message through the Hey, Bitch! page.

BEAUTIFUL 23YO(M) SEEKS RICH OLDER MAN WHO IS NOT UGLY. DETAILS BELOW.

Hi. Erm. Is this thing on? I’m so shy, I’ve never done this before… I’m a beautiful, young little thing ISO a rich man who will pay my rent and student loans. I do have a job, but need secondary income to support my glamorous lifestyle. 

Here’s what I have to offer- a rockin’ bod, a sharp wit, and skills in the kitchen. I hope you like quesadillas and frozen meals from Trader Joe’s. What you have to offer- a seven-figure salary (higher end of six is negotiable), a generous spirit, and all of your teeth.

My idea of a good time? Expensive dinners followed by quiet reading time in your Classic Pre-War 6’s study. For me to focus on the words, we’ll need to maintain physical distance. Our arrangement will consist of two to three of these dinners a week and an occasional trip to a cultural outing. You must laugh at my jokes. Hand-holding costs extra. Our nights will end, of course, with you buying my Uber home. I am a virgin so you can’t get me in the sack until there’s a giant rock on my finger, but I promise the wait will be worth it. Big rings like Barbra Streisand’s in Funny Girl (1968) only. (Reference image below)

No prenups.

As you can tell, I am a connoisseur of film and television, so hopefully, you will also assist me by paying for AMC A-List and HBO Max. Criterion subscriptions are a plus.

Not only will you get to experience my winning personality and vast intellect, but you will also get to meet my lovely friends. No sleeping with them, though. Some will try. This will be a deeply monogamous arrangement (to avoid diseases). As mentioned, I am a virgin, so you won’t have to worry about infidelity on my end.

I have two passports (one of them needs renewal, which you will pay for) and am happy to travel at a moment’s notice, so long as I get approval from Lisa (my boss). Strong preference for first class and meal service, but I’m not picky.

Payment will be accepted via PayPal, Venmo, or Zelle. Looking for a SD who can supply me with a weekly allowance of $1500 (in addition to the aforementioned funding of monthly subscriptions). This is a competitive role, however, so higher offers are welcome.

Currently located in Brooklyn, but if that’s an issue, we will be able to fix that when you pay my rent. Paying for movers is also appreciated.

Think you’ve got what it takes? Send me proof of income and a video tour of your apartment. I will also need evidence that you brush your teeth, wear deodorant, and shower regularly. No BO allowed.

Talk soon x

…

So… how was that? I’m pretty irresistible, right? If you’re under 30 and these qualifications match your profile, you are also welcome to apply. In fact, that would be preferred, but I’m just trying to be realistic here. I don’t know anyone under 30 who has $1500.

Anyway, it’s time for me to go get ready. Pride Weekend started with Tuesday’s drag happy hour, but tonight, the real games begin. The next three days will separate the boys from the men. Hopefully, once I wake up from the hungover daze of my upcoming three-day bender, I will open my email to several SD applications. And by the way, if you happen to know someone who fits these qualifications, feel free to send this their way! Even if our relationship doesn’t work out, the blog can always use more subscribers.

Happy Pride everyone. Stay safe. Ride inside and stay alive, and all that jazz.

Talk soon x