Gay Club Jet Lag

Well, it’s September first, so you know what that means. Merry Christmas! While the celebration for the upcoming holiday officially begins today, it’s also still Summer. For some reason, every digital publication treats this date like the official end of the season. According to science, however, the start of fall isn’t until the 22nd, but alas. This first day of September signals that we’re entering summer’s last chapter. We must take advantage of our time in the sun with the knowledge and wisdom we’ve gained over the past three months.

Summer 2024 has been such a delight. Some (me, I) might argue that it’s been the best one yet. I’ve accomplished many things I set out to do- I filmed some of my work, I partied like an animal, and I’ve given my writing practice special attention. As the fall approaches, how do we maximize our summer potential before the time for jean shorts goes away? Even now, dark clouds gather above the city, posing the threat of rain, cutting our remaining summer days short.

Perhaps to do so, we must look back at the beginning of the summer and compare our predictions with reality. Here is my summer ins and outs list:

Ins-

• Techno music (and I’m NOT talking about the Challengers soundtrack. Although that is also quite good.)
  • ^ Subsequent House revival (for feral girl fall perhaps?)
  • I definitely heard some good techno this summer. This was the Summer of Realizing Stuff,
    
    and I finally learned that if you want to dance to good music in New York, you must seek it out. DEATH TO PLAYHOUSE! I also hear house music making the rounds, and can only hope that it continues to infect the pop sphere.
    
• Lana del Rey
  • This one didn’t pan out, but honestly, I’m not surprised. I chose to be happy. Also, sorry guys. I listened to “Tough” once and fell asleep. Elizabeth, put on your cowboy boots and soak your lasso in Pepsi-Cola or I fear this era is going to flop.
• Fever-era Kylie Minogue
  • YUP, MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER. Despite Kylie’s strong presence at our pregames, I have been asking my gays to spend a night watching the KylieFever 2002 World Tour with me to no avail. We have three weeks to lock in.
• Poppers
  • Yes, but also no. Were poppers in? Yes, boots. But controversially, I think they have to go. I must commit to one poison and alcohol, I choose you.
• Songs longer than 2 and a half minutes (Sorry Charli, I still love you)
  • This was scattered… Eye definitely listened to some long-ass songs this summer, and at every pregame, I played at least one Mariah Carey remix longer than 8 minutes. I can’t say that this spread beyond my immediate circle because the ”Guess” remix with Billy Eyelash,” for example, clocks in at two minutes and 23 seconds. Charli, can you hear me?
• Taking the bus instead of walking
  • Yep, this was a personal success. I took the bus up and down Brooklyn, I took it out to Basement/Knockdown Center and back, and the best part about the bus is that it’s so easy to get on for free. Long live the bus! @MTA reappropriate your funds!
• DEODORANT- (Trust that I’ve been wearing deodorant but some of you seem to always need a reminder!)
  • How many of y’all listened? Not enough. JUST BUY A STICK OF DEODORANT! EVEN OLD SPICE! EVEN AXE FOR GODSASSKES JUST WEAR SOMETHING…
• Proper pregames with music, bottles, and team bonding
  • I prioritized the pregame and felt a concerted effort to make them part of the itinerary from others. Nothing better than doing “one last shot” and downing three. Sometimes four. Once, even five, on a very special day. I can only hope they keep evolving, especially with more on the team bonding aspect (COUGH COUGH KYLIEFEVER TOUR…)
• Shirtless men … just me?
  • Yassss I saw so many shirtless men this summer. Free the nipple!

Outs- 

• Dating losers, uggos, and guys we generally don’t like
  • This was a success. I deleted dating apps for the entire summer and solely operated on vibes. I also didn’t date much because I just don’t like people in general. Let’s hope that when I start dating again I remember this one…
• Committing to things we don’t plan on attending
  • I saw less flakery in my circle. Good work, everyone.
• Vodka
  • There was less vodka this summer, but we could all do better. Think about that the next time you go to the liquor store.
• Staying inside
  • I was inside for maybe a total of 89 minutes this summer. Unless you count being inside the club.
• Drunk cigarettes
  • ^ I’m looking at you too, drunk vape
  • Woof. I only had one drunk cigarette and I did not hit the drunk vape. This is growth! Now everyone else do it, please.
• Straight people at the gay club
  • ^ I know “allies” exist, so fine- you may bring ONE straight person for every FOUR gay people in your friend group. If you for any reason you bring multiple straight people they MAY NOT do PDA with each other or with anyone else in the club.
  • I still saw it. DEATH TO PLAYHOUSE!
• Clubs where they don’t play Beyoncé
  • I’m not sure if I mentioned it yet, but DEATH TO PLAYHOUSE!

Overall, it’s been a satisfying era. Since BRAT summer died as quickly as it came (and if enough people disagree with this I will write a polemic in sync with the Pitchfork), the summer of “Nasty” reigned supreme. And while on the topic of polemics, if enough people disagree about Playhouse, I will write one about that shithole too. By the way, I just learned what polemic means. I’m pretty sure I’m using it right.

Now that we’ve looked at how we hoped the season would play out, the next step is to revisit the highs and lows from the past three months. So as a treat, I’ll round us out with my roses, thorns, and buds of summer 2024.

ROSE: Going to Fire Island without a place to stay
What a ride. My dear friend Andrew and I met a rich lawyer at Townhouse who invited us and Alex (a friend of ours from our run club) to stay the night at his Fire Island Airbnb and sleep on his pool lawn chairs. Graciously and without reservations, we accepted. What a fabulous time. When we pulled up to the Pines, we snagged a 12-pack of Claws from the Pantry, drank six of them, and brought the rest to his pre-game. After handing him the half-empty box of seltzers, the Lawyer called us “thoughtful.” The Lawyer’s friends called us “unapproachable.”

After this, we went to Tea and he bought us three rounds of drinks. One of his housemate’s friends whispered to me that the Lawyer is a Trump supporter, but I brushed that aside because I was still working, y’all. After going out (more on that later), we three queens walked back to the Airbnb by moonlight. We saw a deer. By four in the morning, we crawled onto our pool chairs and used wet towels for blankets. I did not sleep, but I stared at the sky all night. I have never seen so many stars. I was later mocked for sharing this, so I guess I should fuck myself.

THORN: $6 MUFFIN
CUT TO: The morning after. “$12.36.” I looked at Alex. Did he order something? He shook his head no, innocent and unaware of the robbery taking place before him. I asked how a muffin and a water bottle could add up to $12.36. She told me I selected a six-dollar muffin and a five-dollar bottle of water, plus tax. The muffin wasn’t even half the size of my fist. Six dollars? How did my life come to this?

The world stopped. I was riding so high, and then I froze. With the muffin in my hands and the virgin water bottle before me, I asked if we could just forget about it. I almost said, “Don’t make me buy this, lady…” She doesn’t speak. She only produces a look of fierce judgment, confirming my fears that I’m an idiot. Why couldn’t I stand by my decision to abandon the sale? I guess there’s a lesson in asking for the price before you get the bill, but wow. Never mind that I slept outside on a pool chair last night because I came here with no place to stay. I’m scrappy. I have the power to make shit happen. But this muffin… 

ROSE: “Afters” meme-to-physical-realm pipeline
During the weekend of pride, asking for afters became an ironic expression for the physically weak. However, after a while, the echoing of this question revealed a wounded society’s yearning for community. And more and more, when I asked, “Afters?” people would smile, nod, and provide an address.

One of my fondest memories is going to Battle Hymn at Coney Island from 4-10, taking an hour-long train up to Hell’s Kitchen, eating Raising Cane’s on the sidewalk, shaking ass at Rise until three in the morning, heading back to my friend Michael’s, ordering Taco Bell, watching some weird British movie about a lady phone operator that was awful, and closing it out with the episode of Sex and the City of Charlotte’s second wedding. The night started weirdly when Robin S was singing live on stage at the rave and the man in front of us whipped out his penis, but it ended oh-so beautifully. I hope the next time you hear “Afters” you have an answer or chime in with the chorus, asking the question.

THORN: THE BRAT BOAT
Girl… The Beyoncé boat at the beginning of the summer was cute. They played COWBOY CARTER front to back. Later, they also played RENAISSANCE front-to-back, during which I was essentially having a lip-sync battle and making out and dancing with a really cute guy. I expected the BRAT boat to be more of the same, with a stronger flavor of English cigarettes. Charli is British, after all. Get it? Fags?

Anyways, they did NOT play the album front-to-back, but they did play “I LUV IT??” Don’t get me wrong, it was supremely funny, and with enough poppers, I was living, but GIRL. If you’re throwing an album-themed party, you should play the album straight through. Especially if said party is on a boat where your customers can’t leave before the ship docks. I have never seen so many people sitting down at the club, waiting for their night to end. Tyler. Get it together. At least he listened to my request to hear “Apple” again.

BUD: Twinks vs. Dolls Olympics
This was fun. Someone in drag as an old hag sang the national anthem. The games themselves were disgusting, but the energy was electric. Now, if they could do something about the ventilation, it would have been stellar. I was soaked through all my clothes, and not in a lit way. Especially when they started the cigarette race, the room got so hazy that I had to take an hour outside to catch my breath, during which I sat in direct sunlight because that was more bearable. Much to think about. I should get used to heat like that because of my final destination and yada, yada, yada, but still… And again, NO DEODORANT!

ROSE: Winning 30 Rock Trivia
This was a serious moment for me. Respectfully, I carried my team, and we emerged victorious. A huge boost for my ego.

THORN: APARTMENT HUNTING AND MOVING
I don’t want to think about this ever again. Self-explanatory. 

ROSE: Ravyn Lenae Album Playback
Because I am such a fierce fan of Mother (I am subscribed to emails on her website) I was invited to an album listening party two months before the release of Bird’s Eye. And while we’re on the topic, let me squeeze this in here-

MOTHER OF THE MONTH: RAVYN LENAE
My sweet girl is on the up and up. She played Fallon. She’s been dropping some incredible music videos. I am so proud. Tune in before she reaches global domination. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

THORN: GETTING HIT BY A GODDAMN ELECTRIC SCOOTER
Y’all, what was that?

BUD: Not enough park sits
There’s still time to get in some good park sits, but there could have been more. I love sitting in a public park and eating cheese. I have a giant blanket that’s perfect for it. 

ROSE: Pregame Revival
As previously discussed, it’s happening. Yes!

THORN: FIRE ISLAND UNDERWEAR PARTY
The Fire Island Underwear Party at the Ice Palace was a nightmare. It smelled like poop and the music was awful. Not to mention, the Ice Palace is a terrible name for that venue. It was so hot, that I’m certain I saw steam sizzling on people’s backs. Such a nasty event, and not in the good way. What’s interesting is that when I bring this party up to people, they’re too afraid to say anything bad about it until I’ve expressed my disdain for it. Why are we lying to ourselves? Do I need to write a polemic about the bad parties the gays keep attending? Playhouse, Fire Island Underwear Party, Ty Sunderland productions… we deserve better, y’all.

As we go into Fall, let’s keep in mind what we loved about this summer, and know that it doesn’t have to end. I expect to still be asking for afters when the weather drops below zero and we’re forced to wait in line for coat check. If anything, that’s the perfect opportunity to ask, isn’t it…

And last, here are some quotes from the notes that didn’t make it into the blog:

“They should create a dating app for people looking for love”

“Grass. Cats. I’m allergic to things I love. It’s possible to be allergic to things you love.”

“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia makes me so excited to be 30”

“‘Don’t shit where you work’
Um I will thank you, I have IBS”

“Tweet is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have”

“I’m having a Taco Bell-aissance”

“LES is Hell’s Kitchen for straight people”

“Question for the culture- what’s it all about Alfie”

That’s all from me for now. Happy September, and Merry Christmas. May the last weeks of your summer be full of love, light, and getting lit. But don’t you worry, I’ll be back before it’s time to ring in Feral Girl Fall. Kisses x